Cinco de Mayo

Hola.

HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO AMIGOS! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIBBBBBBBBBBBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

(What ju lookin at?)

Gracias, adios.

Good Ole Days

Hello.

(The Original Facebook Log In Screen)

I like to live a simple life, free of complications, relaxing and peaceful. When I first joined facebook in 2004 that's just how it was, SIMPLE. Back in the good ole days, Facebook was small and did its job perfectly. It allowed me to connect with people from my past and keep up with them. I was allowed to have one picture and one picture only, my main profile picture. It was a very basic concept and now its completely butchered!

My good friend Cranch, of Cranch Dressing recently told me this, "Remember the days when you were in a relationship before facebook confirmed it..."

Why yes Cranch, I sure do.

Now facebook is cluttered with status updates, quizzes/quiz results, photos ,etc. I mean who freaking cares what zombie or infectious disease they are? Its ridiculous all the nonsense they have added the past five years. I know they need to keep up with the times and make some necessary changes but it just seems a bit much. I do like the photo albums but some of it is overboard and plain trashy (I want to mention one slut here, but I will just be polite and keep my mouth shut ;) ).

(Angel or Devil Quiz, seriously?)

If you're reading this and you are a person sending me quiz requests and STUPID SHIT on facebook, please stop. I check the ignore button and never receive anything else from you again. Sorry to be so blunt, but I don't care about "where should you be living quiz" (by the way I took this one for shits and giggles and for the sake of this blog and it told me to move to Tokyo, yeah right). That quiz was about as accurate as the O.J. Simpson verdict...Tokyo and that cuban girl, comical.

I also don't care what Sex and the City character I am. My luck, my results would probably say Miranda and if that was the case I would just want to shoot myself. So stop, please stop sending me useless crap on facebook.

(Where should you be living Quiz, it exists.)

I'm on facebook to keep up with old friends and occasionally look at people I no longer like that I am still friends with.

(That Cuban Girl, Back in 2004 when facebook started.)

Thank you, bye!

The Deuces

Hello, yo.

As many of you know I recently started working for Hertz. I've only been with Hertz for a short period of time, but during this time I have seen and met some very interesting people. Dealing with customers is a new experience for me and it is very entertaining to say the least.

My favorite thing about Hertz is working with my friend, Nedra. Nedra is a transporter for Hertz. She picks customers up at various places, takes care of cleaning the vehicles, puts gas in them, etc. Nedra is from New Orleans and she don't play. Nedra has graduated from culinary school and is an overall bad ass black woman.

NEDRA (Chuckin the Deuce)

My first day at Hertz Nedra informed me in her deep NOLA accent this:

Nedra: Now Miss Licia, here at Hertz we a family. Everybody in the family get along, except we got this cousin. Now, we don't invite this cousin to the family reunion if ya know what I mean.

Nedra has my back and tells me how it is, no bullshit.

So at hertz we take our vehicles to a certain gas station nearby to run them through the car wash. At this gas station are my other two friends, Crystal and Nikita. Crystal and Nedra are dating and Nikita is a friend of theirs that works at the Circle K. They are trying to blackify me out, but little do they know I already have some ghetto in me!

NIKITA (Chuckin the deuce)

The other day I was inside the store and Nikita (she calls me Lee-Lee) said to me:

Nikita: Lee-Lee, now if yo man gets in a fight, you gotta back him up. If the other man has a bitch, you gotta fight her.

Me: "I don't fight, I don't argue, I just hit that bitch wit a bottle. Call ya clique, don't bother, I just hit that bitch with a bottle. Say WHAT! Count em, 1 heffer, 2 heffer, 3 heffer, 4, hit dat bitch wit da bottle, watch her head hit da flooo." (SB2K5 shout out)

Nedra: What the hell! Where you hear that?!?!

MISS B (Chuckin the deuce)

I bust out my best MISS B rap you know. A few days ago I walk in the store and Nikita is working. I am wearing all black, like a black sweater and black dress. I walk in and she says:

Nikita: Lee-Lee! You look like a caper!


Me: A what?


Nikita: A caper! You dressed in all black!


Me: What is a caper?


Nikita: You know, dressed all in black, lookin like you gonna come rob me and shit!


Urban dictionary defines a caper as 1) Older slang defining some sort of shady activity; usually illegal. Shenanigans.; 2) To commit an act of robbery.; 3) a person proud to be from the Island of Cape Brenton Canada. I'm thinking she was rolling with definition #2.


I also get all the free coke icees and coffee I want from Nikita and Crystal! Got the hookup, whhhaattttt! When I see a hater, I chuck dem deuces. Learnin all kind of new shit up in hur. Respek.

That Cuban Girl (Left, Chuckin the Deuce in 1994 with Locke and Trisha)

Thank you, BYE or should I say Peace. Chuckin the deuce.

Special Powers

Hello.

HAPPY EARTH DAY!

My roommate Sarah and I have an ongoing debate regarding special powers. The question is this:

If you could have one special power, what would it be?

MY choice is the obvious choice, Teleportation. If I could have one special power, I would want to be able to teleport anywhere I wanted to be with the snap of my fingers! I would also make teleporting my business. I would charge people to teleport them around the WORLD. Just think, no more airport lines or wait! Just snap of my little fingers and BAM, you're in London Town!

This is me ^ teleporting to Greece.

Sarah's choice is lazy. She said her special power would be "getting ready power, a.ka. lazy power." She wants to be able to just snap her fingers and be ready to walk out the door. Showered, hair fixed, make-up on, and dressed. Retardedddddd...

So this is where the story gets funny. The two of us will randomly debate about these powers as if we really will ever possess them! We debate like we actually have the powers! For example, if I'm tired one day and don't feel like getting ready for something I have to do, Sarah will chime in all excited and say this:

Sarah: Don't you wish you had my special power?!?!


Me: Oh you bitch!



She always tries to get me with her special power when I'm WEAK! Whenever I'm hungover or tired she will bring her stupid power up! Naturally, I do the same to her. Whenever she fusses about having to drive somewhere I chime in with this:


Me: Don't you wish you had my special power?!?!


This is an ongoing battle. Neither of us will say the other power is better. I stand by teleporting and she stands by the lazy power.


A few weeks ago Sarah and I were in NOLA with some friends at lunch on a Sunday. Of course we brought the special power discussion to the lunch table. I believe three people at the table said they agreed with me and would choose teleporting, but our friend Cutler had a great one! She said this:

Cutler: If I could have a special power it would that whenever I reached in my pocket for money I needed I would have the exact amount I needed.

GENIUS! Where ever you go you have the money you need!

What would your special power be?


Thank you, bye!

Sarah + That Cuban Girl

P.S. Congrats to Sarah on her new job!!!!

TGIFF

WHAAAAAT! OKAAAAAY! YEEAAAAAHHHH!

TGIFF!

Tyra

Hello.

(Say Whaaat?)

Is it just me or does Tyra Banks annoy the shit out of you? One of my favorite shows is America's Next Top Model, but I cringe watching it because of TYRA! She is the most vain person I have ever seen. She cannot not go two minutes without talking about herself or some modeling shoot she did (*note did, she doesn't model anymore).

(Who you callin' fat?)

America's Next Top Model (ANTM) is my personal Tyra favorite. IF she tells/shows contestants how to "smile with their eyes" one more time I swear I'm going to jump through the T.V. and gouge both of her eyes out! The ANTM house is full of pictures of Tyra. They are all over the house! Anywhere you look you see Tyra. Before every panel judging the show zooms in on a photo of Tyra from some modeling shoot. I know those pictures are old because home girl does not look like that anymore!

The Tyra Banks Show makes me want to barf too. She did an episode on farts! I did not watch that episode, nor do I watch any of her lame ass episodes, but I occasionally glance at them to see what ridiculous shit she is talking about.

Oprah, Jr. is out of control. She also gave Miley Cyrus a picture of herself from when she was 16 for Miley's 16th Birthday! WTF. You know Miley didn't want that picture for a present. I bet she was sitting there like, WTF? At least give her a nice handbag.

Back to ANTM, on a recent contestant challenge, she had the contestants stick their heads inside a cut-out of old modeling photos of hers to see which model could imitate her the best! She is SO FULL of herself she actually had the models stick their face in a big cut-out of her! I freaked out and had to pause the show to take a picture of this latest stunt! See pictures below.

Gasp first, then laugh.

Psycho....

Last, what is up with Tyra's bff, Miss J, runway diva extraordinaire? Is it a man or a woman? I really don't know. Whatever it is, it ain't pretty. The only good thing about the judging panel is Sexy Nigel Barker.





(Mizz J. Alexander)

Thank you, bye.

Bar Etiquette

Hello.

I was at this new(er) dive last weekend, sober. Mistake. People need to get the frick out of the way at the Bulldog. They stand around like they own the place and it takes me an hour to get to the ladies room. Move to a table or the lounge area in the front of the bar, don't stand in the aisle like a jerk. It makes me aggressive.. I have to literally push my shoulder into people while yelling, "Excuse me!" When I'm trying to get through the crowd, I love how the person in front of me (usually a guy) trying to get through, looks at me with puppy dog eyes like they are actually trying to get through. If they were really trying they would throw the shoulder and sternly say "Excuse Me!"

Another annoying thing is when people sit at the bar on a busy night. If people would move away from the bar area it would make everything so much easier. It wouldn't take an hour to get a drink and the person sitting there wouldn't have to buy people drinks the entire night. Light bulb!

Crop dusting at a bar, NOT OKAY! I was sitting in the lounge area at the Bulldog Saturday night and all of the sudden I got a smell of something very fowl. If your stomach is churning, you should go home and spare us all. There were at least 30 people around me, so I couldn't tell where that fowl stench originated. They are lucky I didn't stand up and announce how fowl the smell was to the entire area.

(They should have this sign at every bar.)

Respeck.

Thank you, bye!